Thursday, February 28, 2008

I made myself leave my house today

... as in, I called Jim and told him he better come get me; I've been in bed too much this week.

No, I'm not "sick," but I'm still feeling rather blue. And for no real reason other than one thing that I cannot blog about because, well, I just can't.

In reality, things are going just as they always have, and I think that's the main problem I'm having. My world isn't evolving, and that's not exactly something I'm proud of.

As you know if you've been reading my blog for any length of time, I was accepted into the master's program at UTC last year. Have I taken the exam I need to be an official student? Nope. I let my anxiety about the math portion of the exam get the best of me and then began seriously questioning my desire to be a teacher. This was spurred by a particularly vivid dream in which one of my students made a bloody mess of himself after crashing full-speed into a piece of playground equipment. That pretty much scared the bejesus out of me, and it was all downhill from there.

What would I do if a kid broke an arm in my care? Lord knows I wouldn't want to make that call home. What if I didn't meet all the requirements set by the No Child Left Behind Act? What if I truly sucked at teaching?

There are about a zillion more "what ifs" where those came from.

So, the whole teaching gig is off. I've talked myself out of it completely. So now where does that leave me? Hmm ... well, I really couldn't tell ya.

In talking with several friends, it's been pounded into my brain that teaching is something I probably would be good at, but creativity, design and anything that would allow me to add my own color is more my calling.

So, it's decision time once again. And I'm scared to death. Maybe this is why I've been curled up tightly, wrapped in piles of blankets over the last several weeks. I don't know, but what I do know is that something's got to give. Otherwise my outlook on life is going to be so negative that I won't even want to be around myself.

How bad is that?